This topic has been floating around on social media and how we wish to disassociate ourselves from this toxic ideology. Wholeheartedly, I agree. Throughout my experience, I’ve watched many women stay by their partner side through disrespect, abuse, and infidelity. There is this new wave of Keyshia Kaoir women and yes, I praised her too, but I am sure she endured a lot. I ask myself, why? Why do we stick around and believe we have to go through hell and back to be with a man and to have true love? Why do men put us through this emotional turmoil and think saying ‘I love you’ erases the scar of self-doubt their behavior leaves upon our hearts?
The intergenerational impact of the trauma endured by our ancestors often goes unnoticed in this conversation. How can we ignore black families being ripped apart or husbands feeling powerless and acquiescing to another man pleasuring themselves with their love, their wife? When do we begin to value and respect our women? Women who have, for centuries held our communities together when we attacked from all angles? Stood at the front lines alongside their husbands when they demanded fair treatment during the ‘I am A Man’ sanitation workers strike in Memphis? Or, the bartering systems they used when money wasn’t enough in the community to make sure their household could eat? When do we recognize the value and strength in our black women? I applaud Spike Lee for the movie ‘Chi Raq’. The part where women band together and stop having sex and giving men attention was a step in the right direction. While in training at the Department of Youth Services here in D.C, the trainer made a comment that resonated with me. He said, “If women hold men accountable, men will step up to the plate and do what we want because men dress, get money, and drive the cars they do to please women.” I want us all take a minute and sit with that.
Our grandparents for years, well at least mine, stayed in relationships due to men being the bread winner. While discussing my upcoming divorce with many elderly women in the church, a lot of them said well is he taking care of home? My response was, ‘yes he pays the bills. But what about my respect, dignity, and identity?’ I was in disbelief how many women encouraged me to stay with a man who had verbally abused me in any way. Thinking back to my Uncle who lives in Alaska, my first time meeting him in person was 2011. I’ve never met my grandmother, so with him being the oldest child I inundated him with several questions. I wondered was my grandmother ‘strong, brave, and fashionable like me and strict like my mum and aunt?’ He answered the way I knew he would and told me, “Christian, you are a lot like her.” After hearing this from my mom and aunt, and hearing this from someone so close to her, filled my soul with a warm light of happiness. There was one piece of advice I will never forget: he told me, “her eyes were empty and full of pain because the man she loved, loved many women.” From that day forward, I vowed to never stay with a man that can’t practice monogamy or used his money to control me.
Which brings me to the ‘ride or die’ concept. Why do we stay? Why do we put up with lies, cheating, disrespect, abuse, and this coddling of men? I am not writing to bash. I want us to do better. We understand that fatherless homes cause issues. The single mother syndrome leads women to become extremely self-sufficient leaving some men to feel emasculated. There are a few things we can say with certainly. We know that children need stability and androgyny makes for the best human beings. We know that at the end of the day we still need to collaborate. My quest is to find that balance and in finding that balance we can heal a nation.